A Bit About What Led Me Here
I suppose it’s best to start with a little introduction, huh?
My legal first name is Alexa Jo, but I go by about 100 other names. Most often those are Jojo, Joj, Alexa, or Lex. You’ll probably see me sign off with all of the above. I wear my heart on my sleeve and love and protect my people fiercely. I’m an enneagram type 2 but I’m equally a wing 1 and wing 3.
A little bit about what led me here:
The last few years of my life have been…the worst…and also, the best? They’re becoming the best, anyway.
THE STRUGGLE
Two years ago, I was in a completely different place.
At the beginning of 2020, everything was looking really good. I had received a big scholarship to study abroad in Italy due to a piece of writing I had submitted. They only give it to one person. I couldn’t believe it was me. As part of the scholarship, I was to intern for the study abroad office and write blog posts for them. My time in Florence was wonderful and difficult and beautiful…while it lasted. Only five weeks in, the pandemic hit, and I just happened to be in a pretty big hub for it. Then, something we never imagined would happen: we got sent home. We were required to pack up our apartments, arrange flights, and return to America by the end of the week. It was high stress to say the least. Once I got home, I didn’t really know what to do with myself. My friends back at college were all still living together and I was stuck at home in my childhood bedroom alone. It created a rift between us. I felt very stuck and misunderstood for a while after that, but by summer I seemed to have bounced back.
THE SINK
In mid 2020, I had a boyfriend of two years whom I deeply loved and saw a future with, a good job with bosses who made me feel appreciated and loved, a solid group of friends that I lived with in a house in my college town, and I was on track to graduate with my bachelor’s in the spring of 2021. Everything in my life was wonderful, but I then I became sad. In that November, I started to unravel, and my life as I knew it did too. I have unipolar depression and I sensed I was in for a rough ride. I felt the signs of a depressive episode and couldn’t stop it. I started spiraling further and further. I was losing myself and this life I had, one element at a time. I remember looking at my dad tearfully on Christmas day and saying “I don’t know who I am. And I don’t think I want to stick around to figure it out.”
As my ability to do basic functions like eat, sleep, and brush my teeth diminished, I felt pulled to leave.
I walked away from my romantic relationship and throughout the next few months, my relationships with some of my closest friends fell apart too. In February of 2021, my illness enveloped me and I struggled heavily with suicidal ideation. Though I wanted to take action on those thoughts, there were a few small acts of kindness that encouraged me to hold on just a little bit longer. I moved back in with my parents and began making arrangements to take an academic leave from school. My intention was to check into an inpatient treatment center and finish my degree once I got back on my feet. That is, if I did. Those were the hardest months of my life. I felt as though my world was being flipped upside down constantly. It felt like every time I tried to pick myself up another thing would happen that would sink my heart to my toes; I felt so heavy that I couldn’t get off the ground. Nonetheless, I carried on. I was surrounded by people who love me unconditionally and I couldn’t have gotten through it without them (you know who you are.)
As I looked more into my options, I had an appointment that made me feel something I hadn’t felt in a long, long, time: hope. I began seeing my care providers more intensely and chose not to pursue inpatient treatment. In the spring of 2021, I graduated Summa Cum Laude from Winona State University with a Bachelor of Arts: Double major in Psychology and Communication Studies. Not only did I cross that finish line, but I did it with a 3.9 GPA, double major, internship (which is now my job), and my work will be used a sample work in future classes. Walking across the stage was a major symbol of triumph for me, not just in completing 4 years of higher education, but in all aspects of life.
THE SWIM
After graduation, I felt a huge sense of relief. I was able to move out of this town I had withered away in and break free from some feelings that place brought up in me. It was a new beginning, right in the month of the lilly of the valley. I went back to my summer job of bartending for a boat company on the St. Croix River & totally kicked ass ; ) I was expanding my social life again and doing things that felt life-giving. I felt like me again.
THE THRIVE
I spent the summer recovering, being kind to myself, and saving up for my big adventure: solo travel. I wanted to see the world and I didn’t want to wait for someone else to be able to do it with me. I backpacked around Europe for two months in the fall of 2021 hitting the Greek islands, Italy, and Germany. It was amazing. I returned home for the holidays and to prep for fulfilling my next dream: living in Hawaii.
I have felt pulled to Hawaii for most of my life and since I was 15 I promised myself I’d do it. I feel so at home, so at peace, and so genuinely happy– a feeling I have come to hold so precious. I’m here on a work-exchange for now but we will see what the future holds.
I have learned so much about myself in the past two years. I went from waking up every day wishing to be anybody else but me. Now I wake up every day, excited I get to be me and live the life I’ve created. In my 22 years, I’ve lived a lot, I’ve loved a lot, and I’ve learned a lot. What I’m here to do is share those things.
Thank you for being here. I mean it.
