Carrying Home Inside Yourself
A big thing I’ve been working on in recent years is carrying home within myself. One of the most difficult parts about living an adventurous life is missing home. I feel fortunate to have a place that feels warm, cozy, safe, and loving. I know not everybody has that. But you can’t let the fear of missing out at home keep you from living your life. Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard for me to leave. When I hug my dad knowing at the airport knowing it’ll be the last time for months, I think mmm maybe I don’t want to go. But I figured if I could learn to carry home with me, I could stand to be gone long enough for the adventures I dreamed of.
When you open your mind to this, you can connect with home often and find comfort when you’re far, far away. A lot of it has to do with time and just getting used to being away. Getting used to sitting with the feeling of missing someone and pushing through it rather than jumping on a plane right back home.
“Missing” is one of the worst feelings. To me it feels like, “I need to have this person right in front of me right now or I can’t go on.” Dramatic, I know. But it’s the truth!! It’s an impossible feeling where you desperately to do something about it but there physically nothing you can do.
I felt it a lot when I first left home. And I mean wayyyy back in 2017 when I moved to college. I was really unhappy, really lonely, going through a breakup, and missing my best friends and family like crazy. I wanted to resist adjusting to my new life. I remember my orientation professor saying something along the lines of “Sometimes you just need a hug from mom. Don’t struggle in silence, I can be your mom when she’s far away. You can call me.”
I damn near burst into tears. I loooonged for a hug from my mom.
I would see or hear things that reminded me of someone I loved and missed and it would make me so sad. But I’ve flipped the script and learned to make those things bright spots in my day. Going into solo travel with the intentions of being away for long stretches of time, I wanted to learn to carry that feeling of home within myself. I do that by leaning into those things that make me feel close to people back home.
For example:
As something most people would find frustrating, my dad loves when there is a pile of shoes at our front door. It means everyone is home safe. In many southeast asian countries, it is expected that you take your shoes off at an entrance. I see the huge pileup of shoes at the hostel entrance, and smile to myself. I send him a picture, “Hey look dad, everyone is home safe!”
At a yoga retreat in Bali I’m reminded of my friend Emma. She’s a certified yoga teacher who would love this sort of thing. I sit to eat my lunch bowl full of avocado. She has a little plush avocado guy and a blanket with them all over it. When I eat anything with avo, I think of Emma.
In Thailand I come across a famous gate with hella pigeons. People take pictures with them as they scatter. It’s not my cup of tea, and normally I’d walk right past this kind of thing (I’m not a huge bird person) I stay awhile and watch. It reminds me of my brother because one time he said he believes his spirit is a pigeon. He makes me laugh.
My friend Sarah’s favorite animal is an elephant. I am reminded of her every day in Thailand as there are elephants, elephant statues, pictures, etc. everywhere. I send her pictures. She HAS to come here.
I think of my sister as I wander through Chom Café in Chiang Mai. She’d be here twice as long as she identified every plant species.
I go snorkeling in clear blue waters near La Buan Bajo. As I crawl up the pink sand I think of my Hanai Auntie Maria in Hawaii. She always used to say I dance and play around underwater like it’s a playground. She also would LOVE a pink beach.
I see dolphins flipping above the waves in Hawaii. I smile and think, mom would love this. When I was a kid she would dream of being a dolphin trainer. I can’t wait to tell her about it.
I order a tropical fruity drink in a tiki cup at happy hour on a Greek Island. My dad makes these at home year-round while playing Jimmy Buffet. I wish he was here.
It can also be a physical thing! When I went to Hawaii I brought one of my dad’s old t-shirts to sleep in. Before I left for Asia my mom gifted me a compass necklace. I wore them when I needed to feel close to my parents.
When I went on my first solo backpacking trip I brought this little stuffed avocado so I’d always have a buddy. (This was stupid. Don’t do this. He was a nuisance. Took up too much space. But the idea was there. I suggest maybe finding something smaller.)
When you realize home is not just a place, but a feeling, you can carry it with you.
I still wish they could be there to experience it with me, but I’m able to recognize that those feelings that make up “home” are all around. I may not be home, but I carry home inside of me.
When you miss people, give them a call. Send them pictures and say “this reminded me of you!” Journal about it. Go for a walk. Go talk to someone in your hostel. Chances are you’re craving human connection. You’d be surprised how much better you feel just by distracting and talking to other people. Just don’t spend your whole time wishing you were home. Home it’s meant to be a safe haven, not a ball and chain. Chances are, it’ll be there when you are ready to rest.
I hope this helps.
header photo by Justin Mark Photography
